he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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