got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize