Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
