We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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