I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
