i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
