Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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