remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
