Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
