i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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