im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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