I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
