I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
barbara walters just said penis...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
