Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
