Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
