I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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