I wish I only lived at night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
