I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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