youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
