i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
