after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
