I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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