So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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