I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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