I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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