So drunk, too bad you don't want this
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
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