there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
