you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
