i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize