the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
How's work?
Spinning.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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