I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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