There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
