I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My penis needs a shock collar
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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