if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
