U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
