I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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