this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
