Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
