the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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