if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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