seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm way too hungover for life right now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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