By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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