somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
