the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
