pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
