Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
