I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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