why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
