This is not my ceiling
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
