Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
