i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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