I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pants are for mortals
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
