You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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