I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
