I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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