hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
