woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
