A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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