If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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