My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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