I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
